Taylor McDonald, the Engagement Manager at Prevent Child Abuse NC, told me recently to focus on “what is strong as opposed to what is wrong.” That is a solid and catchy sentiment. So what would change if we championed the strengths in our children instead of labeling their problems? What if we motivated them to identify what they are doing well and the resources available to overcome difficulties instead of only pointing out what needs fixing and prescribing a solution?

Studies are beginning to show that the years of building up our children’s self-esteem have only produced a group of teens who think well of themselves but still suffer from anxieties and stress beyond their ability to handle. Parents who identify their teen’s unique capabilities and strengths can take the focus off the deficits and begin to foster well-being. This is called a strengths-based perspective, focusing on identifying resources available to provide a solution and setting positive expectations.

How does or would this look for your family? I remember back in high school when I was struggling with an algebra problem. I came to my father and asked for help. He looked at the problem and promptly asked me what facts I had. I found myself explaining all the theorems and definitions to him and then reviewing the example problem so he was up to speed with what we were doing. When we returned to the problem, I already had the information I needed to solve it. It had been there all along, but Dad helped me find it. Dad’s system empowered me to move forward on my own instead of becoming dependent on him for the next problem. This is a simplistic version of a strengths-based approach to problem-solving. You, the parent, must believe your child has potential and strengths, and then you can support them in identifying these strengths. Ask questions like, What do you do well? What strengths might be helpful? or, like my father asked me, What do you know to be true?

Accepting a label as true tends to remove the motivation to change. Therefore, we should avoid labels, name-calling, and strong language that create a negative reality. Instead, practice the art of identifying positives in your teen. This may be something you have first to practice yourself. Take time now to identify the unique strengths you have as a family. I spent a day or two pondering this for our family: faith, love, and connection are at the top.

Once you change your perspective, you will be better able to help your teen identify the strengths and supports that exist in themselves and their natural networks.

There is power in positive thinking. Long ago, researchers defined hope as the intensity with which an adolescent believes in a personal and positive future, and they found that it improved health outcomes in hospitalized children. It starts with you, the parent, believing there is success beyond the initial recognition that a problem exists. Your unconditional support will be a strength they can rely on, and then trust that your child can adapt as needed.